Let me set the scene for you…
It’s just after midnight, I’m sitting in my studio looking over the orders for my first ever ‘sold out’ collection. I’m checking over the packing slips, making sure each piece is correctly placed with the correct order, ready to be packaged up. This is when I realise that there is only 11 pieces, but I know for sure I made 12. I made 6 necklaces and 6 pairs of earrings; and then it happens, that heart in throat feeling, that deflating feeling in my stomach. I look over at my desk to see there is still one lonely necklace sitting on my jewellery making desk.
Imposter Syndrome: “Told ya, I told ya it was too good to be true, but you didn’t listen!”
I start frantically checking the orders, making sure I didn’t miss the order containing this lonely necklace. It wasn’t on any of the packing slips. I get onto my Shopify and check how many pieces were uploaded and sold, 11. The sinking feeling in my stomach continues to deepen.
Imposter Syndrome: “Haha, you stupid girl, you thought you’d sold out, you thought you’d finally done it, but you couldn’t even manage to upload all the pieces, nice try!”
My husband comes by my studio to say goodnight and I tell him that “I’m feeling a little silly”, he asks me why and I say “Well I made 12 pieces for this collection, but I missed one when I was uploading them to the website…so, it’s not a sell out”. He says to me “Don’t do that to yourself, it still counts! I’m so proud of you!”. My rational brain agrees, it’s still a success and I should be proud!
Imposter Syndrome: “Nope, doesn’t count, you didn’t sell all 12 pieces you made, this is not a sell out and you’ve just lied to almost 1000 people on Instagram and Facebook, good job - not!”
Me: “Maybe I could just keep the necklace that’s left as a reminder of this win”
Imposter Syndrome: “Win, haha, okay girlfriend, whatever, but just remember, you told all those people that this was your first ever ‘SELL OUT’ collection and it’s not, okay?”
Me: “Maybe I just jump on and confess that I made a mistake and the collection hasn’t sold out yet and that there’s still one necklace left?”
Imposter Syndrome: “Yeah go on, tell them your a liar, tell them that you took all their praise and congratulations before you actually sold every piece.”
Me: “It’s just one necklace, maybe it would be nice for me to have a piece to remember this moment by”
Imposter Syndrome: “Yeah keep it, keep it as a reminder of what a big fat failing liar you are”
Yep, pretty rough isn’t it? Imposter Syndrome and I are definitely not friends. Imposter Syndrome has broken my heart more times than I care to count. Imposter Syndrome is the toxic relationship I can’t escape, because for whatever reason - unresolved past trauma perhaps - I can’t shake it.
I know I still should be proud of the fact that all the pieces that did make it onto the website sold in 3.5 hours. I know I should celebrate that achievement and that I deserve the win. However, when you spend everyday with Imposter Syndrome living on your shoulder, it’s a constant struggle to believe you are deserving, to believe in yourself, and to celebrate your wins. You almost end up being scared of success because Imposter Syndrome is always there just waiting for you to trip, and when you do trip, Imposter Syndrome will be right there ready to laugh in your face.
I feel like we all suffer from Imposter Syndrome at some stage or another, some worse then others. For me it's a constant battle, but I feel like talking about the battle helps, hence why I felt the need to write about it. I hope if your reading this it brings you some comfort if you battle with it too. If you haven't ever battled with it before, then welcome inside the mind of a battler.
I plan to continue to share my experiences to help spread awareness of the inner battle some people deal with daily. If you have made it to the end, thank you for reading!
And just a reminder, "If you have the option to be right or to be kind, always choose kind"
Love + light,